Thursday, July 22, 2010

The day she was taken from me

I have been lying in bed crying because today is the anniversary of my miscarriage. July 22, 2003 is the worst day of my life. Every year I cry on July 22. I started singing the lullaby my ex and I wrote for Isabelle. While I was singing it over and over, I started thinking about the words. I started thinking about my ex and how he prayed for me to miscarry. It almost makes me think that her lullaby was a lie to him. I wonder why he would do that, what was going through his mind. Why would he sit there and do such a vile thing to me, his wife at the time? He knew how bad I wanted to be a mother, and yet he would pray and wish for our child to die. I never imagined he would do that to me. I knew some cruel people that said things like that but for the man I married to sit there and do that…then have the nerve to want me to feel sorry for him after the fact.

I am big on forgiveness. I try to forgive those who hurt me, but at the same time I don’t forget. I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive him for that. I am not blaming him for what happened but at the same time, it really hurts. The day he told me he did that, my love for him died. I threw him out on his butt. I wanted to beat the crap out of him but I was numb, I felt like I was hit by a Mack Truck. I couldn’t even move. I was heartbroken. It was like I was reliving the moment that I learned she has no heartbeat over and over. The words were echoing in my head over and over again. I am pretty sure he was praying that I would lose Noah when I was pregnant with him. The whole time I was pregnant with Noah he and his mom were telling me over and over you know you’re going to miscarry right? Yeah that’s not what you say about your family.

I have decided that he will not steal that song from me. I will not let him take away the meaning behind it. I actually mean every word of it. He probably doesn’t but that’s alright I guess. Isabelle is loved by me always. I will still sing her lullaby and cry for her.

I thought about sharing Isabelle's Lullaby with you all on my blog. However, I think it is way too personal.


  1. {{hugs}}

    I cry on the date of my miscarriage too -- every January 23rd.

    I'm so sorry he did that to you -- I can't imagine how angry I would be if it were me.


  2. I'm so sorry, Sheila. Big hugs for you!

  3. My miscarriage dates (as well as the due dates for those babies) are hard days for me too. (((HUGS)))

  4. SO sorry :(.

    However, I do want to say good for you for throwing him out. There are far too many women in the world who would have been so crippled emotionally and mentally from all the pain the miscarriage had caused, that they would have clung to their guy, no matter how horrible he was. Good for you.

  5. ***Hugs*** I can feel your pain from the miscarriage point of view, but luckily for me, not from the man point of view. You are a strong beautiful woman Shelia! And Noah is lucky to have you as a mom. I hope some day you find the person that is "worthy" of your love & sharing your life with.

  6. Hugs. Sending support your way.