Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Thoughts and Reflections about Tommy.

August 20,2009
Today marks the one year anniversary of Tommy’s passing. I thought I would write a post about my thoughts and reflections of Tommy’s life.

Here is a video that Rene aka Tommys Mommy made about Tommy’s life.

When I first started talking to Rene I was captivated by Tommy. He was so adorable and so strong. I learned about Tommy’s health problems and I learned about Congenital Heart Defects. I didn’t even know it existed until I started talking to Rene. I instantly fell in love with Tommy. His smile was one of those that could make your heart melt. I felt a bond with Rene and Tommy from day one. It could have been that Tommy was only a couple weeks younger than Noah but I think it was something more. I honestly think that Tommy was put on this Earth to inspire and educate. He touched so many lives and now through his story and spirit will touch many more. Tommy’s memory will live on forever.

Tommy was special not because he was medically fragile but because he had a purpose and was so determined to survive. I think that people spend their whole lives doing the good things that Tommy did in his 23 months on this Earth. Tommy was a happy little boy and loved to flirt with the nurses. He was a celebrity to them. He had such bright eyes and a radiant smile. I carefully followed every moment of Tommy’s life from the time that he was 10 months old. I laughed at the silly videos that Rene posted. I smiled when he would do something sweet or anytime I saw his little face. I would cry tears of joy when he made progress. I cried those tears of joy when I saw the video of him saying Mama, when he got his trach out and when he attempted to eat the blue water.

Rene was and still is great about answering my questions about Tommy and the health issues he had. She taught me so much. Sometimes I felt like I was asking her a really stupid question. She would always answer and explain everything to me. I am by no means a doctor.

One day when Tommy was in the hospital I got an idea to make him a Get Well poster. I wanted something big and bold that he could study and enjoy looking at. I made him a Thomas the train. Still to this day, I have no clue how I was able to do that. See, since I am left handed I am naturally a horrible cutter. I did it free handed. I didn’t use any stencils or trace anything. I was really proud of it. It turned out really awesome. A Thomas for a Thomas Rene said to me shortly after I sent it to her. I would have done anything for him. Just to see him smile.
Tommy’s life was full of ups and downs. There were Good days and bad days. I know that Rene would never trade them away and that she keeps them all close to her in her heart.

I remember a year ago when I found out Tommy was gone. I remember that I was sitting on my bed on the computer and there was an urgent update on his Care page. I was just washed with worry. She hardly ever updated marked urgent. As soon as I saw the email I logged in to his care page and read the news. I just sat there for a moment reading the words. It took a minute to process and then I just felt a flood of tears. I was bawling so hard. I hadn’t cried that hard in a long time. I didn’t think I was ever going to stop. I think I cried until I had no more tears. I woke up all kinds of people. I went in to Noah’s room just to love on him. I needed my little boy. I also woke up my mom and told her what happened. Then I texted a friend of mine that knows Rene and Tommy and she called me and I told her about what happened. I am not sure how she understood anything I said because I was crying so hard. That was a very sad very painful next few days.

It felt like some horrible nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. You know when you are dreaming and you aren’t sure if you are. Then something out of place happens that you know couldn’t possibly happen? I was waiting for that moment. I wanted to wake up. I wanted to hear that Tommy was ok. But sadly it was not a dream and he was gone. I spent those few days looking back at Rene’s blog reading thru the posts of his short life. She documented almost everything. I couldn’t look in to his eyes without crying. I was wishing that it wasn’t true. I really miss Tommy. He was a great little boy.

When I went to visit Rene as I mentioned before we went to Tommy’s grave. It was so emotional and real to me. I hadn’t been so it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just stared at the place where he is buried. I know that the part of Tommy that we all love isn’t in the ground. That part of Tommy is in Heaven. He is dancing and singing and laughing with a perfect heart and no scars or signs of a trach.

I am raising awareness for Congenital Heart Defects any way I can. I am helping Rene get Tommy’s story out there. I am helping educate people about CHD. I created a memorial page on Facebook for Tommy. Today is Bubbles for Tommy and I will be out there with my son blowing bubbles for him. Anytime I see bubbles I think of Tommy. I believe that the bubbles are floating to Heaven for him to play with.
I will have a wonderfully exciting post coming up soon so stay tuned.


  1. I think that what you're doing is wonderful, and incredibly caring of you!!

    If you don't mind, would you check out my newest blog post?

    I'd appreciate it.

  2. I've been so busy the past few days I am just now getting around to catching up on everyone. This post is beautiful! I wanted to let you know I have a box in the shed of things that belonged to Tommy and in that box is his Thomas that you made him. <3