Tuesday, June 9, 2020


I’ve always said if I had a time machine to change something in my life, I wouldn’t change anything.  When you change the smallest thing, your life would be different. That’s called the Butterfly Effect. However, that’s not the truth anymore. I would definitely go back to the time I hurt someone and stop myself from making that huge mistake. I find myself thinking about what I should have done. I have gone through the scenarios every which way repeatedly. How I shouldn’t have made it such a big deal when it wasn’t in reality. It was because I was dumb. I was scared.  In reality, I had never felt this way before and it scared the crap out of me. 

I have this hamartia, a fatal flaw, that I push people away before they can hurt me. It stems from my childhood and my dad. I am aware of this problem. I was really working on it, but it was just too much. That’s no excuse though because I’m an adult and I shouldn’t have done that. I acted like a jerk. It was my fault. I should have been an adult instead of being a baby throwing a tantrum. I’m not going to make excuses for my behavior. I was wrong. 

I shouldn’t have done many things. I shouldn’t have treated him that way. I shouldn’t have said the things I said. I should have conducted myself in a mature manner. I should have expressed my feelings in a way that would have been kind. I should have stopped right away. I didn’t. I am not good at many things and people are one of them. I shouldn’t have openly talked about my feelings with others. I should have just left it alone. I am not sure why I decided to air our business. There are many things I could have done differently. I chose not to do them for whatever reason. I now have to accept the consequences. 

When you act like a child, you are punished like a child. My punishment is I lost my best friend. One of my favorite people. Someone I grew so fond of, I honestly had trouble functioning without. It’s not that we had this beautiful love story because we did not. It was not even something close, much to my chagrin. I totally romanticized it. I fell hard and fast.  I had never met anyone like this person before. We became instant best friends. We grew so close so fast. It was a whirlwind and I loved every moment. It’s like when someone becomes a big part of your life, they become part of your routine. The hole that has been left behind is not something I ever want to feel again. I’m working on expressing myself better and not allowing my frustrations to cause me to get angry. I am also working on thinking before I speak while angry. I don’t get angry a lot. It takes a lot. 

I’m very weird and I don’t super connect with people like that often. For some reason my brain and mouth have some sort of disconnect maybe from anxiety. I am not great verbally. My thoughts get jumbled. We spent a lot of the time talking. This was a challenge for me. I did feel extremely comfortable and that I could share anything. I miss it so much. It’s not that we had these philosophical conversations about the universe or anything, it was special.  Mostly I rambled about stuff. It was magical. 

 I am still plagued with regret and forgiveness is not an option. I know this. I hate this but I must accept it. It’s just how it is. I screwed up and now I am deserving of what my actions caused. I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt. Oh it hurts so bad. It would probably be a nine on the emotional pain scale. It’s my doing and my fault. If I wouldn’t have acted uncouthly. If I would have kept my feelings in check like I said I could. If I could do anything to change my actions, I would. If I could be forgiven, I would be blessed. 

There’s no point in living with what ifs, it not going to change anything in the past. It can only teach you for the future.  I am still learning from this experience and this loss. I am still processing my feelings. I’m very sensitive so my emotions can be a lot. 

So far I have learned to not be so afraid and worried. Most of the time it’s not real. Fear is not real. I have also learned that not everyone will hurt you and never sabotage something amazing because you are scared of getting hurt. It only makes it inventible. I will 100% regret whatever I say that isn’t kind every single time. Lessons I’ve learned from him are be kind. I have always been very kind but he made me want to be extra kind. Be brave. Be fearless. Be yourself. Actions have consequences. 

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