One of the hardest things is letting go. It is important to let go those that have hurt us repeatedly. Those people who do not have your best interest at heart, those that think of only themselves. Unfortunately, I have a big heart. I say unfortunately because as I am aware it is a great thing, it is also a curse at the same time. I look for the good in people as I have mentioned before, but sometimes you can’t find good in everyone. There are bad people in this world that want to hurt you, that don’t really care about you and it sucks. Sometimes you just hit your complete breaking point and you have to just cut your losses, cut ties and hopefully learn something in the process. Losing someone is never easy; you end up mourning the loss of a friendship or a loss of a relationship with a family member. You go through a grieving period and it hurts. I will always care about those people, but my heart can’t take the pain that they caused. It is really hard for me to stop caring about someone.
Sometimes I wonder if I gave too many chances, maybe I would see a difference, maybe they would change. The truth is you have to accept someone for who they are, not for what you see them to be. I really need to stop looking at a person’s potential and see them for what they really are. I guess I expect more in people, and when I find out I was wrong, I become disappointed in them. I don’t expect much, I expect someone to be caring, compassionate, loving, and kind. It is so hard to know what kind of person someone is. You don’t want to push everyone away because people have hurt you in the past, but there is no way of really knowing. It would be a lot easier if I had an eggdacator like in Willy Wonka, that would tell me if they were a bad egg or not. If only I could line everyone up and have them step on the machine and see what happens. If they were a bad egg, like Veruca Salt, down the garbage chute they would go. I have learned there is not good in everyone. Something must have happened to make them this way. Some people are just bitter jerks. It has taken me a long time to learn this.
The worst feeling in the world is when you find out a family member is this way. Especially when you have given your all to make things work, devoted so much time and energy to be there and when you find out who they really are, it is just like a slap in the face. Maybe I had hoped you changed, and it didn’t happen. There is just so much pain you can take before it eats you alive and you just can’t allow that person to hurt you anymore. I guess you get to a point where the emotional pain is normal; it really messes with your other relationships and human dynamics. Hope is a funny thing, it is good to have hope, but sometimes too much hope can distort your reality and make you hurt in the long run. Some say you are in control of how you feel, and that you only allow someone make you feel a certain way, that is true, but there are a couple exceptions to the rules, one being when it comes to family. You spend your whole life looking up to someone, loving them, trying as hard as you can to have that relationship and bond with them and then one day you come to find out that they never cared and it was all a sham. One of the quotes from Fools Rush In that I think about is “Love is a gift, not an obligation.” That basically means if it is a gift to love someone and be loved, not something you do because you have to. I just feel like they were obligated and all those words and memories were a lie, because actions speak louder than words.
I am not sure I can remember a time where I thought wow, he really loves me, I am sure there was one but it is just weird I can’t remember it. I think that is the hardest truth to understand. Now, it is time to let go of all of the pain and the hurt and the sorrow. It’s time to live a happy life full of laughter and love, and put all that suffering behind me and leave those who have hurt me behind, no matter how hard that might be. I am at peace with my decision, it probably is something I should have done a long time ago, but that little imp called Hope was playing a trick on me again. It’s good to hope, just don’t hope yourself in to a bad situation, see people for who they are, not what you potentially see in them, use caution and set a limit and once the limit exists be brave enough to just let them go.
I will instead of becoming a bitter person, and giving up hope on humanity, and losing my faith in those kind people, I will still take those chances and open my heart up; I will be a little more guarded about who I associate with.