Tuesday, August 17, 2010

What Happened to Me?

So, I have been thinking a lot lately about myself now vs. who I was when I was say a teenager. Man I have changed a lot. I mean I am still that really sweet person I have always been with a huge heart but I am in fact different. I am not convinced it really is for the better either. I mean of course I am older and wiser but I have been through a lot of stuff that has in fact changed me. I know that life is constantly changing but seriously I miss the person I used to be. I used to be extremely outgoing. I was gutsy, not sure that is something I would do now, as I am a mom. So there goes my dream of being a hobo. Yes I really wanted to be a hobo when I was young. Hey, they had an awesome life traveling the rails singing songs around a campfire. I would talk to everyone and I wouldn’t care who it was or what they thought. I am in fact the same person that would act like a complete random dork in public. I have this memory of being in Jr high and at the pool with my old childhood best friend talking about our pancreases and telling people they needed to go to charter. Don’t ask long story not even I think I can remember it all.

I really didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I mean I guess I did maybe a little but not enough to stop me from having the time of my life. I laughed until I cried and cried till I laughed. I remember there would be times that I was really upset and then someone said something and I would start laughing really hard. I was always smiling to the point where I thought my face was going to freeze like that like after Botox. I have and had a huge heart, I must of inherited that from my Grandma Rose, never seen a big heart than hers.

I was carefree and young. I have really changed if you are going to change, I believe in changing for the better or the greater good. I changed for the worst. I was talking to my friend Brandy and I realized one night that I am broken. I realized that from reading a journal I had where people wrote nice things about you and your strengths. I still have it and I was reading all the letter people wrote and I was like woah. I remember being like that. Then I started thinking what happened? Where did I go? They wrote things like you are always smiling and so outgoing and you have such a flair for drama. Oh yes I loved to act. I was never good at it though. I had bad stage fright but I loved to pretend. You will never see my name up there in lights.

Then, something happened. Lots of something I suppose. I broke. There are many reasons why I broke. When did I care if someone liked me? When did I start caring what people think? When did it matter to me? When did I stop smiling all the time? I mean yes I still smile. My son is the best reason to smile but I am not super smile woman anymore. I miss that.

To read more of this post there will be a part 2 posted soon.


  1. I know it takes a lot of courage to share these types of posts. Hugs.

  2. Can't wait to read on .. maybe this series on your blog will help you move forward OR you can still enroll in Brandy boot camp! LOL

    Can't wait to read more!

    Hugs to you my friend!

  3. I think identifying the issue is the first step in changing, if that makes sense. At least you know that you're not the same person...so now you can make goals to try to go back in the ways you want to get back to! (HUGS!)

  4. ((hugs)) Sheila! I know exactly how you feel. In the 6 years I've been out of high school I've felt lost. I've let having Owen AND losing my grandma consume me to a point where I just don't recognize who I am anymore. I can't wait to read more of your posts.