I have been lying in bed crying because today is the anniversary of my miscarriage. July 22, 2003 is the worst day of my life. Every year I cry on July 22. I started singing the lullaby my ex and I wrote for Isabelle. While I was singing it over and over, I started thinking about the words. I started thinking about my ex and how he prayed for me to miscarry. It almost makes me think that her lullaby was a lie to him. I wonder why he would do that, what was going through his mind. Why would he sit there and do such a vile thing to me, his wife at the time? He knew how bad I wanted to be a mother, and yet he would pray and wish for our child to die. I never imagined he would do that to me. I knew some cruel people that said things like that but for the man I married to sit there and do that…then have the nerve to want me to feel sorry for him after the fact.
I am big on forgiveness. I try to forgive those who hurt me, but at the same time I don’t forget. I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive him for that. I am not blaming him for what happened but at the same time, it really hurts. The day he told me he did that, my love for him died. I threw him out on his butt. I wanted to beat the crap out of him but I was numb, I felt like I was hit by a Mack Truck. I couldn’t even move. I was heartbroken. It was like I was reliving the moment that I learned she has no heartbeat over and over. The words were echoing in my head over and over again. I am pretty sure he was praying that I would lose Noah when I was pregnant with him. The whole time I was pregnant with Noah he and his mom were telling me over and over you know you’re going to miscarry right? Yeah that’s not what you say about your family.
I have decided that he will not steal that song from me. I will not let him take away the meaning behind it. I actually mean every word of it. He probably doesn’t but that’s alright I guess. Isabelle is loved by me always. I will still sing her lullaby and cry for her.
I thought about sharing Isabelle's Lullaby with you all on my blog. However, I think it is way too personal.